Repurpose Your Purpose
“Adulting is ghetto.”
The prevailing narrative is that when you leave home at 18 you are now an adult and should know what you are going to do for the rest of your life. Your purpose is just going to come to you and everything is going to be alright if you just follow this linear set plan. I can say with no hesitation that that’s not only untrue it’s ghetto. Adulting is ghetto.
When I was in undergrad I swore up and down my purpose was to help people in the role of a medical doctor. Thus, I became a biological science major. Nobody was going to tell me differently. Until, I failed Chemistry three times and my advisor, quite bluntly, told me differently. I remember what it was like sitting across from my advisor, with that look on her face that translated to, “Mmmm bless your heart, you ain’t called for me but I sent for you. Girl, please get yo life!”
After that meeting I switched my major five times. I was a biological science major, a dietetics major, a criminology major, a business major, and finally graduated an English major. I started law school two days after graduating. I left law school after one year (I was academically dismissed. Depression and PTSD will do that to you). I quickly moved on and became a chef by attending culinary arts school less than a month later (FYI: I already knew how to cook. Shout out to my Jamaicans). My Jamaican parents could not believe! “Yuh wan cook? Pot and pan ina di kitchen. Gwan cook!”
It was not until I was grinding in Miami Beach working in a five star French owned restaurant on Las Olas that I had a breakdown. As I sat in the food storage fridge eating my way through $50- $60 worth of desserts I knew this was not it. I left. I ended my shift that evening, clocked out, walked through puddles, and the rain. I left.
At that time the only consistent thing in my life was my independent love of learning about Black people, specifically Black women. When I was in undergrad I took one course that focused on Black female literature, and in my moments of silence between switching majors, starting school, leaving school, cooking, and eating, I still read. At the time I had quit that chef job, I was working on my Black feminist/ womanist website and business Shades of Melanin Inc., and reading a book that was focused on a Black male feminist critique.
I was so captivated by the work that I did what any logical person would have done. I Googled the author, found out he was a Professor in the same city, found his number online, and called him. Real stalker shit.
Although he was very freaked out that I found his personal cell phone number online (you know Black people be thinkin’ you the Feds fo real fo real), he was also intrigued by my story because I very well had spilled my guts to a stranger. He ultimately invited me to sit in his class. What happened after that were a series of events that forever changed the trajectory of my life.
I attended his Black Lives Matter course at the University of Miami, and purpose found me.
I became his mentee and he invested the time to teach me about the socio-economic and political state of our people on an academic, critically engaging level that gave me a lens in which to see what was happening to us on a very REAL everyday basis. For a year I read and wrote extensively within this mentorship and eventually applied for my Masters and graduated with a degree with a specialization in African American literature, culture, and Black feminism.
“ I don’t have to wonder because I know. ”
I have given everything I was ever interested in an honest try and I have no regrets. I don’t have to wonder what if? “What if I had tried to become a medical doctor? What if I had gone to law school? What if I had gone to culinary arts school?” I don’t have to wonder because I know.
When you know, the energy and time spent that you give to uncertainty can now be resourcefully allocated to things you are called to do without a doubt.
“I knew I was in the right place and working within the right capacity of my purpose because doors started opening instead of always feeling like the walls were closing in on me. ”
My purpose to help people was not within the role of a medical doctor, or a lawyer, or a chef. My purpose is within the role of an academic activist. I am being called to create a bridge between the institution and the community as a future professor and critical race theorist. As such, I will have the opportunity to mold young minds as they embark on a journey of finding who they are in the world and offer a lens to critically think about race, gender, and equity.
I knew I was in the right place and working within the right capacity of my purpose because doors started opening instead of always feeling like the walls were closing in on me. My Masters was paid for in full. Then I received an opportunity to earn a PhD at a nationally ranked top 10 public institution, fully funded.
As a current second year PhD student (soon to be Candidate because yo girl takes quals next semester!) at a predominantly white institution studying race and gender during the time of the Black Lives Matter Movement, I have the opportunity to make sure my work impacts the next generation of thinkers. Not only am I a student, I am a graduate student teacher on my campus and I teach a course I created this past summer called, “The Racialized Other.” My students are 18/19 year olds that are finding themselves in the world, and developing their own beliefs and conceptualizations of race separate from the usual influences of their parents or small towns. Every time I teach and my students engage with the material I expose them to, I am hopeful that there will be one more person in the world that doesn’t look like me, who will take their privilege to fight in support of me and acknowledge my humanity and that of my people. All it takes is one however, I know that my teachings have and will continue to inspire many.
Graduate students and teachers like myself are important now more than ever because we need to undo the harm that is happening in K-12 education that is creating an erasure of Black lived experience and abuse in order to uphold white supremacy. As reported, "On September 17, 2020, Constitution Day, President Trump gave a speech at the National Archives Museum. In his remarks, Trump repeated his call from the RNC for ‘patriotic education.’ Trump then signed an executive order to create the 1776 Commission for this endeavor. And he initiated a grant program for instituting a ‘pro-American curriculum.’”
Yea it’s that bullshit. And it’s dog whistle for, “those weren’t slaves those were our African American volunteers.” We know. WE know.
Takeaways:
Although, I have no regrets in reference to trying everything I had an inclination for, what I do wish I had done sooner rather than later along my path was pause. Like, quite literally MF STOP. When things fall apart, take a step back, in order to see what can be put together and what needs to be left behind and thrown away because it's no longer salvageable. Be passionate, but not stubborn. Lord knows I was passionate about wanting to be a medical doctor for all the wrong reasons but, because I was stubborn and I wasted a lot of time and MONEY taking classes that I knew damn well I should not have taken more than twice (maybe even once if we’re to be fo real fo realz).
-Actualizing a sense of self and purpose is draining and lackluster. Refer to the first paragraph. ADULTING IS GHETTO and not seamless. I don’t care what Instagram tries to sell us on.
-There’s a clear difference between what you want and what God wants for you. Pay attention to the signs.
-Just because you want something so badly, you can’t neglect that it can be for all the wrong reasons.
-You don’t need an institution to gain knowledge. You don’t need an institution to gain knowledge. Again. You do not need an institution to gain knowledge!
-And quite frankly bitch if you can’t science you just can’t science (I think this one was more for me than ya’ll).
-It’s never too late to repurpose your purpose. Don’t be stuck on some societally manifested ego that whispers, “you invested so much time in this you can’t leave” OR “what will others think if you walk away now?” Fuck that and Fuck them. Period.
Best,
Elle Lorraine